i miss listening to miranda’s rants

well they weren’t even always complaints or expressions of frustration or indignation, she’d just want to talk about whatever her brain was working on at the moment. she’d have this need to discuss, to explore an idea, to challenge assumptions. and I was lucky to be there when it happened. i mean, i was knocked off guard by how open she was. our ideas of sex, why hitler was amazing, highschool gossip, we covered so much. but those days were nice, and to romanticize as always… it was: me- cautious, her- warm, caring, confident, and the only things between us were a cup of boba and the willingness or refusal to converse.

i loved being a part of those conversations, but the thing was, over time, it surprised me how little thought i had put into so many things, and i didn’t know what to say or how to say so, and i thought that if i tried i would sound dumb. i’m still like that. i’m still not good enough. but the good thing is that now, i’m always subconsciously trying to form opinions and finding ways to defend them. 

those rants were a world of growth for me, but it also made me realize how small i could be

"The (500) Days of Summer attitude of “He wants you so bad” seems attractive to some women and men, especially younger ones, but I would encourage anyone who has a crush on my character to watch it again and examine how selfish he is. He develops a mildly delusional obsession over a girl onto whom he projects all these fantasies. He thinks she’ll give his life meaning because he doesn’t care about much else going on in his life. A lot of boys and girls think their lives will have meaning if they find a partner who wants nothing else in life but them. That’s not healthy. That’s falling in love with the idea of a person, not the actual person."

ddddddd to the women in my life

to miranda: i’m sorry. i’ve personally never made peace with what happened between us. that yearbook message was the closest i’ve gotten, and to be honest it sucks. I can’t believe i never treated you the way you should’ve been treated. I could have given you a better time. you cared about me, you challenged me, and you were overall: awesome. 

to anna: you’re smart. you’re physically attractive. you’re organized. you’re focused. in general, you’re amazing. you were the first girl i ever liked and I’m so glad I’m going to berkeley with you next year.

to tiff: you were so freaking chill. I just had the greatest summer ever, and you were a part of it. Thanks for being cool with me. I hope we can hang again sometime-

to jieun: when i first met you i thought you were really cute. i still think you’re really cute, but there was that time when i found out you were like really really really into me and i didn’t really understand why because we never hung out or talked or anything. just good luck out there

to Mom: If only we had had some more time this summer as a family.. it’d be nice, but with Dad and Alvin arguing all the time i just don’t see it ever being an enjoyable experience. Thanks for raising me for 17.5 years. You are the best Mom a guy could ever have. I’ll be working hard up at berks

i will be intelligent.

i will question people like you, and i will have intelligent arguments.

i’m glad i had this experience with you, because otherwise i wouldn’t have known other worlds even exist. 

1) thanks

2) go fuck yourself. you’re not the fucking smartest girl out there

had a lot of juice at the beach

• I still think Suman is overdramatic, but I don’t blame him at all for it. He’s going through a rough patch
• Austin continues to judge me negatively.
• I can still spell, can’t I?

8/11/2012 4:05 am- two days(ish) before Austin leaves for Cornell

p.s.

Miranda, I’m sorry I was so against all of this before. I’m still afraid of what juicing could lead to, but it’s not as evil as I used to think. 

Austin, Alex Kang, Suman